You May Not Pass
Aaaand here is your Flat White!
Exclaimed the dude in the coffee shop.
I gave my best attempt at an early morning smile, which sort of makes me look like someone has a hand up my chuff and is doing a poor job of puppeteering.
I waved my bank card toward the machine.
Oh no, not today. It's on the house!
The hand with my bank card in it froze. I looked about in some confusion. Was this guy ok? This is Glasgow. You don't get free things in Glasgow? Surely there must be some mistake.
Really? Are you sure?
Of course I am sure. Now go on, take it!
He waggled the coffee at me.
I reached over and took it like the proverbial man.
Well thank you very much.
I said, my smile morphing into something more natural as if my arse puppeteer had gently exited.
I walked into work with a fair old spring in my step. That was nice. That was a splendidly nice way to start the day. I hoped the rest of the day would go well.
The security guard who usually hides in an alcove stepped forward and waved a beefy hand at my chest as if he was stirring a massive cauldron filled with dead dogs and water.
He intoned, waving his hand around some more at my chest.
I grinned, perhaps the chap was remarking on the lack of moobs on display what with all my recent gym'ings?
Or perhaps he was telling me that no-one could aspire to such heights of mannity as I was achieving?
I was flattered. I smiled and lifted my free coffee to him in salute.
A very good morning to you too!
Your pass is out of date.
What? I didn't even know it had a date? Does it have a date?
He grunted. Obviously displeased that I hadn't prostrated myself before his
It's the wrong colour, means it's out of date. You need a new pass before you get in.
I shimmied my free coffee around in my hand.
Knock me up a visitors pass then would you? I have a meeting at nine.
No visitors passes for permanent employees. New security guidelines.
I took a deep breath. My lovely free coffee was getting colder by the minute. I could feel all my good vibes flushing out of me like when you break the seal after drinking some beers.
Was this it? Was my day going to be ruined after such a good start?! Was the universe against me and the free coffee was just its way of yanking my chain??!
I opened my mouth and prepared to let rip.
Oi oi oi! What do we have here? Let him in Pete! I am officially ok'ing it!
I looked up at El Jefe grinning beside me.
Pete reluctantly let me past mumbling something about renewing my pass before tomorrow.
El Jefe swept me past him toward the lifts, leaning in to whisper in my ear.
He's a bloody dick that one, eh!
I nodded in agreement, bizarrely amused at the fact that it was El Jefe that had charged to my rescue.
Perhaps the universe was on my side today after all.