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Don't Leave Me This Way


9 months agoBusy3 min read


You look kinda burst?

Said the Good Lady romantically to me.

I looked up from where I lay on the sofa, broken from a combination of hangover and the trouncing I had received just moments before at the hands of the Little Lady and her inflatable lightsabre.

Feel a bit rough.

I managed to cough out, pulling my hoodie more tightly around me to combat the hangover chills that were racking my body.

You do look a proper mess. You must have drunk an awful lot?

She said with seeming sympathy and kindness.

I did. I did. I am a daftie and no mistake.

How could I not be a daftie? The night had started with my beer post and ended in some dark den in the West End of the city.

A memory of beating a Frenchman at Pool made me snorfle a bit. He had gotten awfully angry. I am not sure if that was totally down to me humping him at Pool or if it had been me pretending to be French by saying Aw he haw he haw a lot.

What's so funny?

The Good Lady sweetly inquired.

Oh, nothing really. Met a Frenchman, he was funny.

Ah yes, the French. They are a funny lot. Did you quack at him?

She asked, waggling a finger at me as if to give me into trouble.

Only a little. You know me. I do like to quack at the French.

I chuckled.

Yes, you can be a bit of an arse that way.

She sighed with only a little roll of the eyes.

Anyway, I have just the thing to make you feel better.

She added.

I perked up. Was she going to get all goosey goosey? With the kids running about? Ooer.

What, what will make me feel better?

I gasped feebly.

Come, this way. It's beautiful. It will really perk you up.

She grabbed my hand and half-pulled, half-led me to the back door through which the sun was shining.

It was a lovely Autumn day and the sun was shining in a clear blue sky. It was almost warm.

Look at the beautiful Autumn leaves.

Said the Good Lady resting her head on my shoulder.

I looked. The garden was festooned with leaves in various Autumnal shades of gold and russet orange. It was indeed very pretty.

It's lovely.

I said trying my best to sound enthusiastic.

Isn't it just. All those beautiful leaves.

Sighed the Good Lady happily.

I nodded, wondering how long I had to stare at some orange leaves before I could get back to whining and mumping on the sofa.

It was awfully kind of me to let you go out on the lash last night wasn't it?

Asked my sweet lady wife.

Erm, yeah, chick. Thanks. I needed a blow-out.

I said gratefully. She was a top lass this one. A keeper. We were made for each other. I gazed down at her head with more love than you could shake a stick at.

She pulled her head from my shoulder and pointed at the rake leaning against the back wall of the house.

Right. Rake up those leaves will you? They get all mulchy when it rains.

She marched off chuckling happily to herself.

I stared out at the garden, my hungover head pulsing slightly.

Fucking leaves.


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