HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE XVII: ALLIES AND FOES
Greetings loyal followers.
I need to wait for the applause to die down before proceeding.
This may take a while.
My executive assistant Vera, who is the only ally anyone would ever need, has informed me that it has been over four of your months since I graced all of you with a transmission. Although there are clearly problems caused by the non-linear timeline on which our two galaxies operate, I assured her that this could not possibly be the case. You would all die if I did not send out thoughtful, well written, yet very brief transmissions filled with my brilliant ideas and MANY CAPITAL LETTERS at least 10 to 59 times each day.
However, in the event that you have been denied my brilliance for more than a single day, I think an explanation of my absence is required.
During the past four of your Earth months, when I am not playing golf on the Empire's credits, I have been executing a brilliant new strategy. Even though I am the most brilliant, strong, attractive and powerful being in any universe, I sometimes get bored.
Usually, I entertain myself by allowing one of the gorgeous females who flock to me to be blessed by a little one on one time with me. Unfortunately, that is getting a little expensive and I am running out of friends who will compensate these women for their discretion. I can't have them informing the galaxy of the fact that I am even better than they could have ever imagined in their wildest dreams. I am already swamped by females on a daily basis. I can't add any more until I drain that swamp.
I was never with this woman. In fact I have never seen her before in my life. You can ask her. She has 130,000 reasons to agree with me.
Therefore, I have decided to have a little fun by seeing how fast I can turn my allies into foes and and foes into allies.
The turning allies into foes aspect is actually quite simple. For example, there is the Alien Union (AU) comprised of long established Imperial allies such as the Hutts, Noghri, Rodians, and Trandoshans. If someone asks who the Empire's foes are, I simply drop this nugget on them:
"Well, I think we have a lot of foes. I think the Alien Union is a foe, what they do to us in trade. Now, you wouldn't think of the Alien Union, but they're a foe."
And now my old allies are those haters. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Not just one instant foe, but many!
If that does not work, I can always talk about our military alliance with those and other systems. The main purpose of a military alliance is to pledge to aid each other in the event of an attack. Do you know what is guaranteed to anger the members of an alliance? If you say you might not honor your pledge if you do not feel like it. If you really want to alienate (that made me laugh) them, try insulting one of the allies while stating that you may or may not honor the alliance.
If that does not infuriate all of them, I am certain pointing out what cheapskates they all are will do the trick. All I need to do is remind them that by some accounts, the Empire is paying for 900000% of the alliance, with many systems nowhere close to their .0000002% commitment.
As a choclime twist on top of the marsh-root souffle, I can simply say that one of the members is completely controlled by our enemy The Black Sun and its leader Prince Xizor, who is inexplicably shirtless much of the time.
Xizor also likes to be photographed riding horses, hunting and fishing while shirtless.
I realize many on your system are not very well informed when it comes to political matters but that is OK, I love the poorly educated! Out of pity for those of you whose IQs are so tiny compared to mine, I will provide you with some intelligence on Prince Xizor. Prince Xizor is the totalitarian leader of The Black Sun: one of the most bitter enemies of the Empire. He is known for limiting freedom, brutal methods to gain obedience, and Imperial intelligence has found that he meddled in the Empire's selection of leaders for their systems.
However, I have come to a realization that the Empire may have been too hasty in its decision to call Xizor and The Black Sun it's foe.
Xizor has big plans for The Black Sun. He wants to edge out its neighbors so that The Black Sun can dominate fuel cell supplies to all of The Outer Rim. I respect Xizor and The Black Sun but cannot believe our leader (The Emperor) allows them to get away with so much... helmets off to the The Black Sun.
Although I do not know him personally as I have never been anywhere near The Black Sun's territory and I have no deals or loans (from Black Sun lenders), I think I'd get along very well with Prince Xizor. I just think so.
Look at those two strong, powerful, sexy leaders. I am going to enjoy being this guy's wing man.
And I believe the feeling is mutual. Xizor himself said that I am "a talented being" and "brilliant". If he says great things about me, I'm going to say great things about him. I've already said, he is really very much of a leader. I mean, you can say, 'Oh, isn't that a terrible thing' -- the being has very strong control over a system. But certainly, in that system, he's been a leader. In fact he is such a strong leader that I don’t see any reason why it would be The Black Sun that meddled in the Imperial selections.
It is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own system and beyond. I have always felt that The Black Sun and the Empire should be able to work well with each other towards defeating The Rebellion and restoring order, not to mention trade and all of the other benefits derived from mutual respect.
He's been very nice to me. If we can make a great deal for the Empire and get along with The Black Sun that would be a tremendous thing. I would love to try it.
But that will have to wait.
I need to catch up to this inhabitant of your planet.
She wants me so much that she has even started to dress like me.
Longest standing ovation ever. Much longer than the Emperor has ever received. TREMENDOUS OVATION!
We used to be friends, now we're foes. Ask me why? No one knows.
She doesn't have a bad word to say about me.