Game review: Bioshock (2007)
The game that I'm going over and reviewing today is one which I'm sure pretty much anyone who is into gaming would know about, as it's truly a game with nothing but pure big dick energy, it's called Bioshock. In simple terms, Bioshock is a fucking masterpiece. When this game was released back in 2007, it made my teenage self cream his pants in amazement of how good this game actually is. If you've played it, then I'm sure you'll understand why I'm stroking it's rock like penis so much.
Though I'm sure some of were just too busy playing hentai tentacle simulator. Fucking heathens. The way the game was written and designed was something that not really any other game had done at the time, and I can't think of another game that has given me quite the same experience that Bioshock did.
It's so hard to describe just everything that is awesome with this game, as I'd pretty much have to
tongue the entire asshole of the game go through every nook and cranny. The art deco design behind Rapture, the gloomy/oppressive atmosphere and sound design, the absolutely wonderful story and dialogue, the weapon/combat system, the amazing voice acting. Seriously, I could just sit on a milking table all day and think of all the wonderful shit that this game provided that makes me hard as a rock. The game was beyond innovative at the time of release, especially in regards to its story. I don't think many FPS games have come close to doing a narrative as well as Bioshock has. The first 20 minutes of the game is hands down one of my favorite intros to a game ever, and had me enraptured (Get it? It's a shitty pun, laugh you clowns) pretty much instantly.
But, lets stop stroking the shaft for a minute and actually get into the details of the game. The setting for Bioshock takes us back into the 1960's with a protagonist by the name of Jack.
You'll spend the majority of your time inside of a jazz club smoking the devils lettuce and sleeping. The opening of the game starts with Jack sitting in a passenger seat on an airplane which then proceeds to crash into the middle of the Atlantic ocean for reasons left unexplained. Jack finds himself the only survivor of the crash, and swims his way to a nearby lighthouse. Upon entering, he finds a terminal containing a bathysphere within. As you can guess, Jack says fuck this weird shit and finds a lifeboat, taking his chances out at sea takes the plunge and heads on down below. The rest of the game takes place within the underwater city of Rapture, which is mostly in ruins filled with residents who've gone insane. As you make your way through the city, you'll unravel the events that have led the city to where it is now, all the while your character will be meeting several antagonists along the way.
One of my absolute favorite features within this game are the plasmid combat abilities which you can unlock. You'll quickly find out that Rapture has developed the technology to alter genetics, allowing for people to inject themselves with a
meth infused saline solution, making them believe that Birdmen are real a genetic material called ADAM and gain superhuman like abilities and powers. You fuel these powers by using another genetic serum called EVE, which you inject into your veins as your meter falls empty. The powers themselves are all pretty great, and range from things like shooting out electricity to shock your enemies, to setting your enemies ablaze with some fire at your penis tip finger tips, or even things like telekinesis and summoning thousands of insects. I don't believe there wasn't a single power I didn't enjoy using at least a little bit. I mean, who wouldn't wanna cover people in bees? (Cue the NOT THE BEES gif of Nic Cage.)
There are also special tonics you can pick up which will enhance these abilities further throughout the game, as well as enhancing other aspects of your character. There are three categories of tonics to be found, which are combat tonics, physical tonics, and engineering tonics. Combat tonics glow a green color inside of their containers and help to improve your offensive and defensive capabilities. Physical tonics will glow a blue color, and these will change the players physical properties, like being able to
not have whiskey dick from all the booze draw EVE from alcohol for example. And, lastly, there's the engineering tonics which glow gold in color, and can improve the players ability to hack machines.
Besides having passive and active superhuman abilities, you have another method of fighting at your disposal in this game via blunt weapons and firearms. So, you know, the equivalent of caveman weapons in comparison to lightning shooting out of your butthole. And, I can't illustrate this enough, don't be expecting a rail gun or anything for fighting off Big Daddy's or Splicers. Remember that the game takes place in the 1960's, so every weapon you find in this game will reflect that. You know, even though you can spew bees from your nipples. It would just be plain silly to have a railgun or anything like that. No, no, what we get are the more basic styled weapons such as the shotgun, handgun, and the classic machine gun. Though, while you won't be pounding ass with cool railguns, there are the more whimsical styled weapons like the grenade launcher, chemical launcher, and crossbow. So, a pretty fair variety of guns to use as you play. (But, seriously, how good would it have felt to nail a Big Daddy in the taint with a railgun? Come on.)
As you play through the game, you'll find that you can upgrade these guns and get special rounds of ammo for them as well. Another item in your arsenal against the splicers and big daddy's is the research camera, which can't do any active damage on it's own, but can give bonuses on enemies after you photograph and research them
while they're in the shower, they'll have no choice but to submit due to embarrassment of their micro penises. This can really become quite useful the longer you play the game. And, the final weapon available to the player is also the first and only melee weapon you'll find in the game, a monkey wrench. Quite clearly, the best weapon choice of them all. Well, unless you're a monkey. Then you probably just find it racist.
The enemies in this game are wonderfully creative, as well as creepy and brutal in not only the way they behave, but how they're designed. The humanoid enemies that you'll encounter in the game are called Splicers, and there's quite a variety to them. Most just give you a basic challenge of melee or firearm based combat, but some have abilities similar to your own as well. Though there's also times where some might be playing dead on the ground, waiting to strike when you're least expecting it. It gives a certain air of paranoia at times when you fight off a room full of them, only to wonder if some of those bodies are still ticking, just waiting to strike.
If you're wondering about the origin of Splicers, I'll explain it and keep it short. To sum it up for you, they're citizens of Rapture which have went batshit insane due to their massive use of ADAM/EVE, which led to their brains and bodies becoming deformed. Their addiction still runs strong, so they're constantly in search of it as well so they can get their next fix. The first splicer you encounter in game also happens to be probably the most challenging type, called the Spider splicer. And, it's definitely the most creepy out of the bunch as well. However, there's another type of enemy that can make you feel even more dread in your flaccid dick.
Besides fighting off the hordes of splicers, we also have to contend with the Big Daddies. These creatures are the guardians of the Little Sisters, which are little girls who have been mutated and changed. The Little Sisters happen to be a very important aspect of the game not only within the narrative, but with how fast you'll progress your plasmids and abilities. The Big Daddies that protect them are armed with super human strength, a giant drill for a hand and extremely tough bodies.
Seriously, their bodies are as rock hard as my nipples while playing this game. You can either choose to save or harvest the girls once you defeat the big daddies, which will determine what sort of ending you get. I don't wanna go into these characters too much, since I don't wanna spoil anything for anyone who may have not played the game yet. But, I will say both the Big daddies and Little Sisters are fascinating, tragic, and fairly sodden with moisture most of the time. All wonderful things in any story.
The narrative told in the game is honestly flat out fantastic for many different reasons. At some points it gets fairly dark, and as you hear the recordings the past residents have left behind, you'll feel somewhat disturbed at the events that have occurred and left Rapture in its tragic state. For the first couple of hours while you play, you'll really have no idea on where the story is headed, and what your part to play actually is besides trying to continue on with your linear goals. You'll slowly start piecing things together, and then maybe 5 or 6 hours in you'll believe that your IQ is 200 and that you know all that there is to know about the game.
But, very quickly you find out that
J.K. Rowling has written your brain to be not only gay, but also entirely dead you're wrong, very wrong. Bioshock truly has some of the best twists of any video game to it, in particular with one that made me exclaim "Wait, what? What the fuck?!" on my first playthrough. Something that has very seldom happened while I was playing through an action game before. While the ending of the game is satisfying, it really leaves you craving for more, well, of everything. I can only say that they've crafted the story for this game extremely well, and while there are some plot holes here and there, it's still easily one of the best stories to be told within a video game ever. Well, besides the story told in Viking Daughter- Girtholomew, all that doggy style thrusting really just floors you with narrative.
Another aspect of the game which I believe is phenomenal is the art design of the city of Rapture. The art-deco way they've designed it is honestly breathtaking to me and gives us some gorgeous visuals. It provided a perfect backdrop to the story, and really helped to set the mood and atmosphere of the game by showing how Rapture went from a paradise, to an absolute hell on earth that's rotting from the inside out. You'll find many areas that were once gorgeous, but have been reclaimed by the ocean in so little time. Between the environment and the designs for the characters, items, enemies, and everything else I have to say I was thoroughly impressed.
Now, having said that, I feel that I need to state that the graphics have aged a bit for this original version. However, considering that the game is 10 years old now that shouldn't come as much of a surprise. But, they still hold up pretty well overall. If I was reviewing this back when it was released in 2007, I definitely would have said they were truly outstanding and the epitome of how to make my peepee hard. The neon lighting on all of the shops/stores mixed with the dark, broody (and sometimes bloody) corridors really sets a great tone with the art direction. I did notice a few low res textures every now and then, but for the most part everything is still good to go. I can't honestly suck the titties of this art design hard enough.
And, now I suppose I should talk about the flaws with the game. Because as much as I would tongue the butthole of this game, it isn't a perfect gem. It definitely has some small issues which I think hold it back a tiny bit, but really there's only one thing that truly bugged me. That thing being the enemy AI, which I think could have been utilized in a better way. Specifically for the splicers for the most part, as I never really had too many issues with the Big Daddies AI. Had they just made the splicers be a bit more crafty, and have better path finding I think it could have added more of a challenge to the game.
Often times splicers will just stampede right towards you as soon as they notice you entering the nearby area, even if you have traps set up all over, or if there's obviously a giant puddle of water for you to electrocute them in. It got to be laughable at moments with how blind and dumb they could seem, it almost reminded me of some looney toons acme shit. At other times, I've seen the AI get stuck in certain areas where they can't move, allowing you to easily dispatch them as you see fit with no risk. These sorts of things take away from some of the intensity of the game in my opinion, but there's still plenty of tense and uneasy moment for you to experience and play through.
Overall, I highly recommend this to just about anyone who enjoys playing video games. I feel that there's at least one thing which you'll find in this game that you can't help but love. This is an extremely intelligent, well designed, and occasionally disturbing game which will leave you wanting more by the time you get to the end of it. It keeps you engaged the entire time you play, and it's hard not to want to just play through it all in one sitting. The enemies are interesting and horrifying at the same time, and the combat can be really entertaining for the most part. It really has one of the best stories ever told in a game, and you're missing out if you don't play it. So, If you have a spare few days go sit your ass down and play through this shit. Or, you could just be a turbo virgin and go post some dumb shit on tik-tok. I guess that's almost as rewarding as this game.
Anyways, hope you liked the review. Take care until next time!